JOKE FORUM !

Discussion in 'General Discussion / News / Information' started by mikethevigo, Apr 24, 2007.

  1. mikethevigo

    mikethevigo Ol'Timer

    Seems a bit quiet at the moment dosent it ? can we have a joke forum ?,,, ill start,. An irishman goes into the train station and approaches the ticket clerk, " yes paddy, can i help you " asks the clerk, ,Yes please ,replies paddy, " id like a return ticket please ",, where to says the clerk ? " ,, paddy replies, back here ,where do you think ! "
     
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  3. mikethevigo

    mikethevigo Ol'Timer

    OH COME ON, IM KEEPING IT CLEAN, FOR NOW !,. A GUY WALKS INTO AN EMPTY BAR, THE BARMAN SAYS WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE SIR ? THE GUY REPLIES, PINT OF LAGER PLEASE THANKYOU, BARMAN SERVES HIM, GUY DRINKS THE PINT RIGHT DOWN, THE BARMAN SAYS THAT WILL BE $4 PLEASE,.THE CUSTOMER REPLIES, HANG ON I ,YOU ASKED ME WHAT I WANTED, IM NOT PAYING, ! ,BARMAN SAYS, CLEVER BUGGER EH, GET OUT YOUR BARRED, .. A WEEK LATER THE SAME GUY GOES INTO THE SAME BAR, APPROACES THE BAR , THE BARMAN SPOTS HIM AND SAYS " I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU YOU WERE BARRED " ,GUY REPLIES " IVE NEVER BEEN IN HERE BEFORE IN MY LIFE " ,BARMAN SAYS, " WELL YOU MUST HAVE A DOUBLE " , GUY REPLIES " THANKS VERY MUCH. MAKE IT A WHISKY " !
     
  4. pexa

    pexa Active Member

    (ok, here´s one Ive heard it in my native tongue, so hope Im able to translate...)

    Q: How many bass players does it take to change a house light bulb?

    A: Eleven. One will climb a ladder and get hold of the bulb, while the remaining ten will get so drunk, that the house will start rolling over!!
     
  5. Robin Holmes

    Robin Holmes Ol'Timer

    Yep, I understand anyway........lol
     
  6. daewoo

    daewoo Ol'Timer

    One rainy, windy night a man was walking home alone, down a dark, deserted street that ran right by the local cemetery…

    As he passed the gates, he heard a bump in the darkness behind him. Not daring to look back, he quickened his pace. But, the bumping noise continued behind him.

    He stopped and turned to see what it was. Coming down the road behind him was a coffin, standing on end, bumping from side to side - BUMP, BUMP, BUMP.
    The man, terrified for his life, turned and ran into the driving rain. Behind him, the coffin came faster - BUMP, BUMP, BUMP!!!

    Ahead of him, there was a branch that had fallen from a tree. He reached down and grabbed it as he ran by. Still running, he turned and threw it over his shoulder at the coffin - but it just splintered when it hit the coffin and the coffin continued coming faster - BUMP, BUMP, BUMP!!!

    The man turned the corner onto his street and ran through his front gate, the coffin right behind him. The closed the metal gate, but the coffin simply bust through without even slowing down… BUMP, BUMP, BUMP!!!

    His splitting axe was resting against his woodpile so he snagged it, turned, and gave a mighty two-handed throw sending it end over end right at the coffin. SMASH! - the axe shattered on the unnaturally strong wood of the coffin and it continued after him. BUMP, BUMP, BUMP!!!

    The man dashed into his house, but the coffin crashed through the front door. BUMP, BUMP, BUMP!!!

    The man ran upstairs and grabbed his shotgun off the wall display. He blasted the coffin with both barrels, but the shot bounced harmlessly off the coffin as it continued up the stairs - BUMP, CLOMP, BUMP, CLOMP!!!

    The man, desperate and scared to death, jumped into the bathroom and locked the door - knowing it would do no good. The coffin Banged against the door, once ..., twice ..., and on the third time, the door exploded and the coffin came forward… slowly, menacingly, BUMP… BUMP… BUMP…

    In desperation the man reached out his hand and grabbed whatever he could… He threw the soap, his toothbrush, the spare toilet roll, but the coffin just kept slowly coming for him… BUMP… BUMP… BUMP

    He reached into the medicine cabinet above the sink and started hurling it’s contents at the coffin… the box of Asprin, the haemorrhoid cream, a box of condoms… everything, but nothing affected the coffin… BUMP… BUMP… BUMP…

    All that was there was a bottle of cough syrup so he threw it at the coffin.

    The bottle shattered, the cough syrup poured on the coffin, and the coffin stopped.

    Cheers,
    Daewoo
     
  7. daewoo

    daewoo Ol'Timer

    How do you know when the drum riser is level???

    The drool comes out of both sides of his mouth...
     
  8. jwa

    jwa Member

    Did you hear about the man that walked down the street and turned into an alley -- he was a magican
     
  9. Robin Holmes

    Robin Holmes Ol'Timer

    A young blonde was on holiday and driving through the Everglades.
    She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes,
    but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local shops were asking.
    After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch
    my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

    The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and
    give it a try!" The blonde headed out to the swamps, determined to
    catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home,
    he pulls over to the side of the levee and spots the same young girl
    standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

    Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
    With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and pulls it
    onto the slimy bank of the swamp.

    Lying nearby were 7 more all lying on their
    backs dead. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
    The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back.
    Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out......

    "SHIT, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"
     
  10. daewoo

    daewoo Ol'Timer

    A deaf couple fall in love and get married.

    On their first night in bed together, they realise that without the lights on, they can not see each other to communicate in sign language.

    The bride turns the bedside light back on and signs to her husband, "we need to invent some signals so that we can communicate with the lights off", he agrees.

    They formulate signals for a number of things they need to communicate and then decide they need to be able to communicate whether or not they feel horny.

    The wife signs to her husband, "If you feel like having sex, you should pull on my left breast one, if you don't feel like sex, you should pull on my left breast twice". They agree that this is a good signal.

    The husband then signs to his wife, "If you feel like having sex, you should pull on my penis once, if you don't feel like sex, you should pull on my penis about 100 times"

    Cheers,
    Daewoo
     
  11. daewoo

    daewoo Ol'Timer

    Dorothy was very upset that her husband Albert had passed away. She went to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed. The instant she saw him, she started to wail and cry. One of the attendants rushed up to comfort her. Through her tears, she explained that she was so upset because Albert was wearing a black suit, and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

    "I can't afford to buy one for him," she sobbed, "and I feel I've let him down." The attendant apologised and explained that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of routine.

    "Listen, I can't promise anything," the attendant said, "but drop by tomorrow, and I'll see what I can do."

    The next day, Dorothy returned to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral.

    When the attendant pulled back the curtian, Dorothy smiled through her tears as she saw that Albert was now wearing a smart blue suit. She asked the attendant, "How did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit in such a short time? It's so very kind of you to have gone to all that trouble."

    "It was no trouble at all," said the attendant. "You see, yesterday afternoon, after you left, a man about your husband's size and build was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. And his wife was upset because he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit."

    "Oh, how lucky!" cried Dorothy.

    "Sure was," said the attendant. "All I had to do was swap the heads around."

    Cheers,
    Daewoo
     
  12. Marco

    Marco Ol'Timer

    Pasta Diet and Your Health

    ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!

    1.. You walka pasta da bakery.

    2.. You walka pasta da candy store.

    3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

    4... You walka pasta da table and fridge.

    You will lose weight!

    AND......

    CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?

    For those of you who watch what you eat,
    here's the final word on nutrition and health.
    It's a relief to know the truth
    after all those conflicting
    nutritional studies.

    1. The Japanese eat very little fat
    and
    suffer fewer heart attacks than
    Americans.

    2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

    3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

    4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

    5. The Germans drink a lot of beers
    and eat lots of sausages and fats
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

    CONCLUSION

    Eat and drink what you like.
    Speaking English is apparently what kills
    you.
     
  13. MBT

    MBT Ol'Timer

    John was married to an isaan girl and always had problems when he went out for a beer with his mates.

    The probem was he never knew when to stop drinking and always went home with sick down the front of his shirt. This really got to his wife who threatened to ban him ever from going out with his mates again if he ever came back again with diced carrots down the front of hs shirt.

    Come next friday he's out on the town again promising not to return with sick down his shirt however, 20 bottles of Chang later sure enough the vomit started flowing all the way down his fresh clean shirt. His mates had an idea to overcome this problem..."Put 100 baht in your top pocket and tell your wife someone else threw up on your shirt and say the cash is for the cleaning bill"

    "Good idea he said" and returned back to his wife. She see's the sick and goes ballistic! "No hang on" he said in my top pocket you will find 100 baht! It wasn't me that was sick down my shirt, it was another guy and he put 100 baht in my top pocket to pay for the cleaning"! She dipped her hand into the pocket and pulled out the cash! " You said a guy gave you 100 baht for being sick on your shirt but theres 200 baht here" she said "Oh" he said " The other 100 is from the guy that shit in my pants"!
     
  14. a pedophile and a young boy are walking deep into the jungle in the dead of night,,the boy turns and says...shit this is scary..the pedophile replys...i dont know what u are worried about..i have to walk back by myself..... ..only a biker knows why a dog sticks his head out of the car window
     
  15. daewoo

    daewoo Ol'Timer

    Ivan the Terrible... surname Milat??? Enjoy riding the scenic roads of Belangalo State Forest???

    en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ivan_Milat

    Cheers,
    Daewoo
     
  16. paolobkk

    paolobkk New Member

    HOW DO YOU RECOGNIZE AN HAPPY GT-RIDER?
    FROM THE INSECTS SMASHED ON HIS TEETH!!!

    This is my first post on this forum and I want to say Hi to everybody!!!
    I'm in Thailand for 5 years now and finally I've got my bike and most important I find the people to fix it...
    I'm very happy to have found you and I have to say, this website is the "twin" of my brother website in Italy, just a passion for the 2 wheels.

    Anybody hang around BKK?
     
  17. DavidFL

    DavidFL Administrator Staff Member

    A blond woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blond.
    The blond cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license.
    She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
    What does it look like?" she finally asked.
    The policewoman replied, It's square and it has your picture on it."
    The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
    Here it is," she said.
    The blond officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
     
  18. jon

    jon Ol'Timer

    A man walks into a cakeshop in Glasgow and points at a cake and says " Is that a macaroon or a meringue ? ". The lady replies " No you are right, it's a macaroon "
     
  19. mikerust

    mikerust Ol'Timer

    I think that last one falls into the category of:

    For those who understand, no explanation is needed.

    For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.
     
  20. Woody

    Woody Member

    An ugly biker walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
    "What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
    "Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time!
    We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
    "Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"
    "Dunno...Never found the head."
     
  21. KX500

    KX500 New Member

    I've known this fraction of a limerick for a long time, but it's just the last 3 lines (I think they always have 5):

    Oh my God, it's a quarter to four,
    my tongue is so sore
    and she hasn't come yet.

    Does anybody know the first 2 lines?

    Cheers,
    Wolf.
     
  22. Robin Holmes

    Robin Holmes Ol'Timer

    Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams & Elton John were walking over a
    bridge.

    Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings. With a couple of sideways glances Robbie pulls down her knickers and shags her senseless.

    He stands back. "Your turn", he tells Elton.

    Elton says "I can't" .

    What's up?" asks Robbie.

    Elton says ...

    "My head won't fit between the railings!"
     

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