One Liners for Tropical John

Discussion in 'General Discussion / News / Information' started by mikerust, Sep 26, 2007.

  1. mikerust

    mikerust Ol'Timer

    1-liners from the Edinburgh Festival:

    I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
    - Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

    Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
    - Jimmy Carr

    The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
    - Chris Addison at the Pleasance

    My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most
    of our family holidays in Customs.
    - Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

    The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died .... Dido must
    be sh*tting herself.
    - Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

    My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
    - Susan Murray at the Underbelly

    Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind
    people were given pointed sticks?
    - Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

    My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when
    I was two, cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
    - Susan Murray at the Underbelly

    You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
    because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
    flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh1t, I wasn't listening ... was it self-raising?"
    - Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

    The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and
    punched someone in the face.
    - Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

    I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought
    the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
    - Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

    Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.
    Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
    - Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

    Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a
    winner and a loser at the same time.
    -Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

    A talking dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job
    please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".
    - Steven Alan Green at C34

    It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
    - Chris Addison at the Pleasance

    If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a
    tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.
    They're trained for that.
    - Milton Jones at the Underbelly
  2. Loading...

  3. tropicaljohno

    tropicaljohno Ol'Timer


    Does this mean you don't like my jokes then.....

    Well, I at least change them every Monday....
  4. daewoo

    daewoo Ol'Timer

    I was actually going to go back through the archieves and see if there are any that I missed...

    my favourite pun is;

    "there are 10 types of people in the world, those that understand binary numbering and those that don't"

  5. mikerust

    mikerust Ol'Timer

    Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

    "Och, it's all going magic," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night."

    Archie nods approvingly.

    "Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in," continues Jock.

    "A kilt?" asks Archie. "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?"

    "Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll just be in white."

Share This Page