Fallibilities / Funnies / Stuff Ups..........
- Thread starter jonadda
- Start date
Here's a similar one:
(stolen from another forum)
"When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
At university I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.
So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25 I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her.
She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits."
(stolen from another forum)
"When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
At university I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.
So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25 I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her.
She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits."
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Love this Doctor!
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually.
Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.
Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get
even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?�
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and
well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
[/FONT]
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually.
Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.
Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get
even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?�
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and
well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
[/FONT]
I would like to share an experience with you all, to do with drinking and driving.
As you know riding your bike while under the influence is not a good idea.
Well I for one have done something about it.
The other night I was out for a dinner and a few drinks, and having had far too much to drink,and knowing full well I was over the limit, I did something I have never done before...... I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before.:crazy:
As you know riding your bike while under the influence is not a good idea.
Well I for one have done something about it.
The other night I was out for a dinner and a few drinks, and having had far too much to drink,and knowing full well I was over the limit, I did something I have never done before...... I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before.:crazy:
Cardiologist and Motorcycle Mechanic
A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a magnificent Yamaha FJR1300 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is that I make $45,000 a year and you make $1.5M when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.....
"Try doing it with the engine running."
A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a magnificent Yamaha FJR1300 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is that I make $45,000 a year and you make $1.5M when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.....
"Try doing it with the engine running."
Captain_Slash;273551 wrote:
During the early hours of this morning the driver of this car decided to not turn at the corner of the moat but to carry on straight ahead, the only problem was this tree was in the way
I wonder if Cockpit can plug that one, three of the cars tyres were punctured from the crash
Decisions, decisions...
Not a "stuff up" but if it was, it would be a biggie. Takes riding on the edge to a new level I think. Yikes!
http://wimp.com/mountaintop/
http://wimp.com/mountaintop/
• A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
The Black Bra ....... not pc
Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
" What's for dinner, Zorro?"
Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
" What's for dinner, Zorro?"
One I still get blagged about, I was putting R ang G crash protectors on my GSX-R 1000 new then as it got tight on the first side I thought just tighten a little more !! so I did and the bike rolled of its side stand onto the side I hadnt fitted the crash bung to onto my car and damaged both vehicles.
How I laughed
Paul
How I laughed
Paul
Thailand's Monkey Police! :lolno:
Santisuk, the monkey cop, is helping win hearts in Thailand.
It may sound like a premise to some hotly anticipated buddy-film, but the story of how one pig-tailed macaque got a job working for the Thailand police is no work of fiction. The 5 year old monkey was discovered with a broken arm last year and nursed back to health at a local clinic. But when no one arrived to claim him, Thai police adopted him as one of their own and began enlisting his charm at roadside checkpoints to help ease tensions with the community.According to the Daily Mail, the macaque leads a fairly charmed life of greeting passing motorists and helping locals collect hard-to-reach coconuts. In fact, the first "Monkey Police" has become something of a celebrity among the region's predominantly Muslim community. Tensions have run high in the past, but the monkey, named Santisuk, is helping to change that, so says Police Corporal Yutthapol:
Locals, once annoyed with the police, now like to have their picture taken with the newest member of the force.Some commentators have taken issue with how Santisuk is being treated, the chain around his neck seeming to indicate that the monkey might be under duress. But officials insist that the animal is well-treated, and is even rewarded with bottles of vitamin milk for his service. Santisuk's agreeable temperament would imply that he was raised in captivity and was likely abandoned by his owner.
Thailand has been the site of often violent clashes between separatists and the nation's Muslim and Buddhist communities, but with the success of Santisuk's ambassadorship, Thai officials are hoping to enlist more Monkey Police, reports The Nation. A desire to use more animals in this way, however, does raise concerns that monkeys will be exploited without the extenuating circumstances surrounding Santisuk's adoption.
While he may be cute in his little uniform, Santisuk knows how to bring order where necessary.
The positive influence of animals has been harnessed for years with dogs and cats employed to brighten the spirits of the sick or elderly. Still, Santisuk (whose name means 'peace' in Thai), may be a pioneer in that he has managed to alleviate some social tension in a region that is no stranger to turmoil--so it may be time to redefine the term 'monkey business'.
We can only hope that Thailand's popular simian police officer continues to be well treated by his cop buddies and the community he serves. After all, it'll be good to have Santisuk on the force in the event of some great banana heist--you know, when it gets personal.
Santisuk, the monkey cop, is helping win hearts in Thailand.
It may sound like a premise to some hotly anticipated buddy-film, but the story of how one pig-tailed macaque got a job working for the Thailand police is no work of fiction. The 5 year old monkey was discovered with a broken arm last year and nursed back to health at a local clinic. But when no one arrived to claim him, Thai police adopted him as one of their own and began enlisting his charm at roadside checkpoints to help ease tensions with the community.According to the Daily Mail, the macaque leads a fairly charmed life of greeting passing motorists and helping locals collect hard-to-reach coconuts. In fact, the first "Monkey Police" has become something of a celebrity among the region's predominantly Muslim community. Tensions have run high in the past, but the monkey, named Santisuk, is helping to change that, so says Police Corporal Yutthapol:
Other officers deal with annoyed drivers. With Santisuk the checkpoint is a happy place.
Thailand has been the site of often violent clashes between separatists and the nation's Muslim and Buddhist communities, but with the success of Santisuk's ambassadorship, Thai officials are hoping to enlist more Monkey Police, reports The Nation. A desire to use more animals in this way, however, does raise concerns that monkeys will be exploited without the extenuating circumstances surrounding Santisuk's adoption.
While he may be cute in his little uniform, Santisuk knows how to bring order where necessary.
The positive influence of animals has been harnessed for years with dogs and cats employed to brighten the spirits of the sick or elderly. Still, Santisuk (whose name means 'peace' in Thai), may be a pioneer in that he has managed to alleviate some social tension in a region that is no stranger to turmoil--so it may be time to redefine the term 'monkey business'.
We can only hope that Thailand's popular simian police officer continues to be well treated by his cop buddies and the community he serves. After all, it'll be good to have Santisuk on the force in the event of some great banana heist--you know, when it gets personal.